Note: Posts will not appear immediately. (Live with it!) The most recent will be at the top..
25/4/18 Carl Anza
A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr T for a new set of dentures the next morning. His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before. “Is that so?” asked the first old guy. “Did he do a good job?” The second oldster replied, “Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in my nuts.” The first old guy was confused and asked, “What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?” “It was the first time in two years my teeth didn’t hurt.”
31/10/17 Ian Urquhart
Luigi Baccala, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, ‘how do you stay in such great physical condition?’
`I’m Italian and I am a golfer,’ says Luigi, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a shot of Amaretto, a glass of vino, and all is well.’
“‘Well’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died? “Who said he was dead?”
The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your Father’s still alive. How old is he?’
‘He’s 100 years old,’ says Luigi. ‘In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a shot of Amaretto, a little vino and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s Italian and he’s a golfer, too.’
‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Father’s Father? How old was he when he died?’ ‘Who said my Nonno’s dead?’ Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?’
‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?’
‘No, Nonno couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’ At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
‘Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?’
‘Who said he wanted to?
31/10/17 Ian Urquhart
One day on Lucky Hole #13, Murphy, the Irish golfer, finally makes his first hole-in-one.
Immediately, a leprechaun leaps into view and congratulates him.
The leprechaun says, “For this hole-in-one, I will grant ye’ one wish.”
The Irishman replies, “Can ye’ make me pecker a wee bit longer.”
“Done”, says the leprechaun.
By the 14th hole Murphy can tell something is happening
By 15 it is noticeably different and beginning to strain his shorts.
By 16 it is now becoming uncomfortable.
By 17 it now hangs just below the leg of his shorts.
By 18 it is now dragging on the ground.
After completing his round the Irishman drags himself to the pro shop.
He explains what has happened to the golf pro and asks what can be done.
The golf pro tells him he must make another hole-in-one on 13 to get the leprechaun back
The Irishman takes 2 buckets of range balls to 13 and begins hitting.
After nearly both buckets are gone he finally makes another hole-in-one.
The leprechaun springs into view and congratulates him.
The leprechaun says, “For this hole-in-one, I will grant ye’ one wish.
The Irishman replies, “Can ye’ make me legs a wee bit longer.”
30/10/17 Dick Anza
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell..
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End;
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
If I Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It’s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows …. I’ll Be BackTomorrow.
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs
And losers of balls.
A recent study found that the average golfer
Walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that golfers drink, on
Average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
This means that, on average, golfers get about
41 miles to the gallon!
Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you
Feel like a hybrid…….
2/9/17 Greg Michelino
Ian Barras was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud-speaker: “Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies’ tee box.”
Barro backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud-speaker: “Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies’ tee box.”
Barro is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot, approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: “We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the Ladies’ tee box!”
To which Barro turns around and yells: “And I really need the announcer to shut up and let me play my second shot!”
30/6/17 Vaughan The Man who Invented the Pencil Grip
3/6/17 Vaughan For those wanting to hit a longer drive… www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZdSXkcjIYU
30/5/17 Vaughan Cartoon
30/5/17 Vaughan
A Rolls Royce owner is getting petrol in an Irish service station. As he’s filling the car the attendant notices the owner’s golf bag on the back seat and particularly the neat little wooden tees. “Tell me sir, what are dose little white tings?” The owner replies, “They are to rest my balls on before I drive off”. “Jesus” the attendant says, “Rolls Royce tink of everything!”